I'm a replica
by FF Demon
Summary: Donatello's thoughts some time after the events in Same at it never was. How he felt from his family's death. Second place for the best song fic at the TMNT Fan Fiction competition 2005.


A/N : Hi everybody, this is my first songfic and my first english fanfiction, so don't be to hard with me please, but reviews are welcome.

So this fic is inpired by the episode "Same as It Never Was." The idea came to me when I listened to a Sonata Arctica album.

Disclaimer: I do not own tmnt, I think everyone here know that they are own by Peter Laird, Kevin Eastman, Mirage studio and 4kids. The Song lyrics « Replica » are Copyright © 1999-2003 Sonata Arctica.

Note : bla bla : donnie's pov  
« bla bla » : other talk  
_Bla bla _: song lyrics

**Replica**

I look at my brothers and Sensei chatting together in the living room. I can't believe I'm home. But this is really my home, my another nightmare. I stay in the shadow, afraid to wake up. I stay in my room. I can't affront them.

I don't think my family could understand why I detach myself from them. I don't want so. They don't have to know all the horror I see, the cruel fate that time reserves for us, for them.

I know we will win, but at what cost…

« Donnie, remember, there's always hope! No matter what! » That was the last words I heard from April, the old April. What did she mean? Can I change fate ? Can I save my brothers from a cruel death ?

_I'm home again, I won the war, and now I am behind your door.  
I tried so hard to obey the law, see the meaning of it all.  
Remember me? Before the war,  
I'm the man who lived next door._

_Long ago..._

I know that master Splinter and the guys are worried about my behaviour. The Donatello they knew was always there for them and would fight at their side. Am I not this turtle anymore ? I'm not sure. It's like all my dreams, my hope, my heart and my soul were broken. Each of them teared apart by the death of my love ones.

The big problem is that I can't fix this. For the first time in my life, I don't have a solution.

« So, the turtle with the big brain finally doesn't have all the answers. Who'd a thunk it? »

Mikey. This time Mikey was right. What could I do, after all, I send them to their death. The only thing I want is…revenge.

_As you can see, when you look at me, I'm pieces of what I used to be.  
It's easier if you don't see me standing on my own two feet.  
I'm taller when I sit here still, you ask are all my dreams fulfilled.  
They made me a heart of steal, the kind them bullets cannot see._

But I have a question in mind : Leo, Raph and Mikey thought that I was Donatello, their brother who disappeared thirty years ago. But was I ? Would I really disappear like that, or am I just a Donnie from an other dimention? Did I send to their death my own brothers, or the brothers of another me?

If that Donatello comes back and see that he lost all his love ones… I know that his heart will break. I know that for sure, that's how I feel.

_Nothing's what it seems to be,  
I'm a replica, I'm a replica  
Empty shell inside of me  
I'm not myself, I'm a replica of me..._

I can't stand to look at them, it's like looking at ghosts. I close my door and let myself crash on the ground. I can't do this, I feel so empty.

Everytime they look at me, smile at me or try to give me a hug, I flinch. Why? Because their touches and faces make me remember them…Leonardo, Raphael, Michalengelo. Their scared faces and agony cries haunt me, awake and asleep. I close my eyes, but they don't disappear. The three of them seem to look at me, waiting for me.

I had to die with them, not to return in my time like this. I had to stay with them…forever

_The light is green, my slate is clean, new life to fill the hole in me.  
I had no name, last December, Christmas Eve I can't remember.  
I was in a constant pain, I saw your shadow in a rain.  
I painted all your pigeons red, I wish I had stayed home instead._

Shell, what is happening to me? It's like I'm two different turtles in the same body. Two minds and two hearts fighting. Each part wants to be with its family. One is alive, the other is not, but the two of them have a family. I'm a central point, and I don't know to which one I really belong.

I abandoned one in a dark future, where they suffered beyond all measures. I returned to them to lose them all. If I had stayed there, I would be alone. I want to be with them.

Here, my family is alive, but I can't stay with them, because they remember me of the one I lost. Plus, I distant myself from them. I want to be alone.

That's so confusing…

I can't retrieve the one I lost and I have to take care of the one I can't save.

But if I continue to close myself like this, I will waste all the good times I would have with them all. Before death comes…

_Nothing's what it seems to be,  
I'm a replica, I'm a replica  
Empty shell inside of me  
I'm not myself, I'm a replica of me..._

_Are you gonna leave me now, when it is all over  
Are you gonna leave me, is my world now over..._

I close my eyes, but behind the protective shield of my eyelids, I see their faces. I'm surprised by the fact that they all smile. As if they would not be mad at me. How can they be so calm…I killed them…all is my fault.

Suddenly, they all just disappeared…Leonardo, Raphael, and Michalengelo …Vanished in time.

_Raising from the place I've been, and trying to keep  
my home base clean. Now I'm here and won't go back believe._

_I fall asleep and dream a dream, I'm floating in a  
silent dream. No-one placing blame on me  
But nothing's what it seems to be, yeah._

_Nothing's what it seems to be,  
I'm a replica, I'm a replica  
Empty shell inside of me  
I'm not myself, I'm a replica of me..._

At the memory of their death, I just can't stop tears to drop from my eyes. I can do nothing for them. How would I help my family if I disappeared for…God knows how long.

In both ways, I'm useless. The battle is lost.

Finally, the Shredder has won. He killed us all, my family in time and me mentaly.

_I'm home again, I won the war, and now I am behind your door.  
I tried so hard to obey the law, see the meaning of it all.  
Remember me ? Before the war,  
I'm the man who lived…_

**END**

Just a note to say that I hope you appreciated, and to thank my boyfriend who helped me write what I meant. Love you, my angel!

And remember : read an review, please


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